Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize