is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
