sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
