His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
