Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
