he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
