If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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