when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
