just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Randomize
