Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
