your room smells of hookers.
And success
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
