i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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