Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I am one with the molecules
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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