my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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