I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
