oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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