I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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