we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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