dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
