The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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