there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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