totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
