I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
