his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
