sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
