There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
