guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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