i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
