my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My penis needs a shock collar
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
