We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
