I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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