Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize