Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
