My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
