You're so nebulous sometimes
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
