my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
