Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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