my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
