Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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