wakey wakey hands off snakey
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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