I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize