I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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