I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
