watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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