I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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