if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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