my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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