Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
