just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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