I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
