oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
