I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
