Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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