His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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