I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
