Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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