im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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