He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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