Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize